September 03, 2010

Cancer

Can you really claim to be surprised by this outcome? Everyone else saw the writing on the wall — actually, it was a two-story neon sign on the wall! Here’s another perfect example of seeing only what you want to see.

Gemini

Simple acts of kindness, both giving and receiving, will be totally off your radar today — as if that’s anything new for you! Just go ahead with business as your usual self-centered self.

Aquarius

You’re more than a little surprised — and entirely appalled — by the sorry state your life has inadvertently rolled into. Perhaps you should start steering this ship and look at the map every now and then.

Sagittarius

Stop showing off — nobody’s impressed. Really. In fact, you’re about to lose a few key allies if you keep running on at the mouth about how great you are. It just goes to show how little you really have going for you.

Taurus

Don’t be a slave to your impulses today. You remember what happened the last time you gave in to one of your reckless whims. You ended up in the bathroom praying that you wouldn’t see a double red line.

Aries

A misinterpreted discussion will leave a family member with the impression that you have agreed to donate a kidney to him. Good luck getting out of this one. Start checking into international flights.

Scorpio

After a full week of trying to convince yourself that you really don’t love someone who hurt your feelings, today you’ll decide that being angry is just too much damn trouble, and you’ll get the hell over it.

Virgo

The first part of the day will be wasted on thinking about what you’re going to do with the second part it, and the second part of the day will be wasted on thinking about what you should’ve done during the first part.

Leo

It seems as though no one knows how to keep secrets anymore — least of all you. Be prepared to have some angry friends on your hands when word gets out that you can’t keep your mouth shut. Silence is your best defense.

Capricorn

Just because you’ve been honest for the past few months doesn’t mean you’ve earned credits toward a guilt-free lying spree. You may not be able to resist the lure of untruth — you know you’ll pay for it in the end.

Pisces

There comes a time in every person’s life when he or she is forced to stop believing in fairytale endings — and that’s when things really get fun! Rewrite all of your stories with an eye for absurdity today.

Libra

The more you sit back and ponder the sheer number of things you need to do, the more overwhelmed you’ll feel. Hunker down and let your anxiety paralyze you into complete inaction.